Thursday, 15 September 2016

I was an 8 year old scammer...( Am I Normal? Series)

Am I normal? A question I think a lot of us ask ourselves on a somewhat daily basis. From something minute and as irrelevant as concocting a great new sandwich combo, to pondering the inner, most secret demons we face within ourselves; no one thinks they are normal.

But what happens when you're casual "I'm not normal" turns into an "oh fuck, I'm seriously judging myself now"? Well, that's where I am lost. 

For years I have done one thing with my life consistently: float. I am a self confessed floater. I don't stick at much, anything I find remotely difficult or challenging, I throw the towel in. It's funny though, because with most things in my life, I prioritize things wrong. I give up soooo easily on important, sensible, real life stuff such as jobs, education, good relationships and I dwell on, obsess over and down right won't let go on all the bad parts. I don't quit toxic friendships or toxic relationships. I NEVER want to leave the bar, even when it's closed and the bouncers are physically chucking me out. I also have a horrendous problem with arguments, I'll pick a fight and make sure I end it. All the trivial pointless things in life I make into absolute mountains and all the important, substantial things that should be Mount Everest, I turn into molehills and stamp on at the earliest available opportunity. 

Now the problem with floating is very simple, you lose yourself. My dad always tells me that getting (and sticking to) a real job will help me with my self worth and self respect. I've worked extremely hard for the last 2 years to build up my self esteem, self worth and self respect and I did pretty much all of it without a "normal" full time job. I've been very blessed and very lucky in life to be in a position I never really HAD to work. I've had everything handed to me and I guess I've grown complacent. The funny things is that when I was a kid I was extremely business savvy. I was a young Alan Sugar in a way, only slightly illegal. 
I grew up despising where I came from and what I had. I lived in a middle class area but it was clear that I was one of the "posher" ones. My dad had done very well for himself in life but always remained extremely modest. I admire that in a way and I will touch on that in future blog posts. My friends weren't really from the same background, though none of them were from council estates or "rough areas", though a lot of them acted like it. Now that I'm older and have a lot of friends from different parts of the country and ACTUAL council estates I completely see the difference. All the "hard" or "rough" kids from the "poor" areas of town were still from pretty well off families. I don't actually think there even is a real council estate in my (extremely tiny) town at all! But they would all act like they were tough and hard and had a really terrible upbringing. I would actually do the same to some degree, you'd of never thought that I lived in a 4 bedroom detached house placed in 2 acres of land. I spoke chavvy and I would get into trouble, I didn't have expensive things or designer clothes and if I did I wouldn't really show anyone. I would always share everything I had and I didn't want anyone to think that I was better than them. I wanted to be equal, I wanted to fit in, I wanted to be NORMAL. 

Business was always a key part of life for me back then, I was always thinking of ways to be my own boss and that was all I wanted for my future. I didn't want to work FOR anyone, I didn't mind working with people though. I hated anyone criticizing me or bossing me around. I've always been a fiercely strong character and my confidence and decision making often ended up with me being the leader. My friends would always turn to me for advice, I was always (and still am) very rational, fair and balanced when I look at other people's problems. I can often see both sides of the story and not just the facts, but also the emotions, reasonings and motives behind the actions involved. I'm both sympathetic and empathetic and I can easily put myself in other's shoes. 

I very quickly learned that the easiest way to make quick money in vast quantities was to provide something exclusive. The harder it is to get your hands on, the easier it is to 1. sell and 2. profit from. Now, back in my school days (I'm only really talking primary school here but will touch on secondary a little bit later) the kids would go through phases. My primary school was very small and probably only had about 500/600 students in total. There was about 100 in my year and everyone got on pretty well. I was always the funny one, the class clown and the rebel. I was popular in the sense that everybody liked me and I was genuinely friends with everybody, not so much in the sense that I was in the popular "gang" and everybody was jealous/secretly hated me. The second thing I learned in business, is that the more popular you are and the better your reputation, the more you will sell. People are sheep at the end of the day. We can deny it but we are. Especially as children, it's extremely monkey see, monkey do. I capitalized on that. You had to target the groups, find something that the ring leader wants, and you've just got 6 sales! Girls are the easiest to sway, as us ladies are more pack like and jealousy is a powerful thing. Every girl (no matter what they say) tries to subconsciously compete and outdo their competition. It's natural instinct. So when one person has something, the rest certainly don't want to be left out. 

The first great scheme of mine was pretty simple- conkers. 
Now this goes back the limited and hard to get your hands on. Pretty much everything I did with my underground playground business was against the rules. But when you're 8 years old selling a few forbidden items really isn't that serious and no one can really get you into trouble. 
In primary, there was this one massive conker tree on the edge of the field and in autumn every break and lunch people would go and play with the conkers and have conker fights. Some people took it too far, as most kids do, and people got a few minor injuries and hurt feelings. Now, being primary school and the start of overprotective, PC, health and safety age; the school banned conkers. 
We weren't allowed conkers at all. We even got banned from going near the conker tree and it was boarded off with caution tape. The lunch ladies were on constant conker watch and it was forbidden to have conkers at any time on the school premises. 

Me being me, OF COURSE disregarded all the rules and found a way to break them (undetected might I add). I was in year 5 by this point and I decided that the best thing to do would be to fuck all the rules and push the boundaries. So every lunch, I would get my little squad and we would sneak over to the conker tree (the long way, which we were banned from going down anyway) and crawl through the trees and bushes to collect conkers. We always stayed undetected. The conkers were pretty awful and we left most of them in a pile there but we would always stash a couple to bring back to show our friends, almost as if they were medals. 
Whenever I would show someone my conkers, they would congratulate me or marvel at how much of a rebel I had been (fucking LOL) and they'd always ask me to get them some. Again, I was really liked and I knew that staying on people's good side and being genuinely liked was important if I was going to start going into the primary school black market. I couldn't have people grassing on me. I made sure only people I knew and trusted (which was pretty much my whole year barr maybe 5 people) were in on the secret. I would spread the message round just before break or lunch that conker wars would be in a secluded spot and if anyone wanted to come and watch they could. It was all very hush hush and I felt like an absolute gangster. I was also the school conker champion, I beat everyone. Male, female, older, younger, bigger conker, smaller conker- I beat them all. The craze was starting to heat up and everyone wanted in but they were all banned. So, I found a solution.

To be able to play conker wars, you HAD to have a conker on a string. I had figured out the perfect conker to string ratio and been extremely successful in defending my championship of top conker player. It was all well and good having plenty of conkers, but without punching a whole through it and putting it on a string, you couldn't play. I was one of the few in the school that had an older dad and he had taught me how to win at conkers and how to be unbeatable (the trick was to set the conker in vinegar). Jealousy spread and everyone wanted to have a go, so being the nice person I am, I decided to make some for my friends so that they could all play too. 

I had a conker tree in my garden at home, so when I came home from school, I went outside and collected some really nice, big conkers. I got my dad to punch a hole through them and then I soaked them in vinegar (but not enough to beat me, and all at varying lengths of time so some were better than others) and tied the strings through. I took them into school proudly the next day and at lunch we had a massive crowd watching the conker fight. I got a lot of interest and of course, everyone wanted to play. At the end of that fight, I spur of the moment announced that if everyone kept it quiet, I would make a batch of conkers ready for fighting and bring them in tomorrow. I told everyone that if they wanted them they would cost 50p each. I took about 10 pre orders and decided to make a batch of 20. 

I went home that night and I roped my sister into setting up our little workshop on the porch front step. I got my dad to help as well even though he didn't realize that this was completely banned from school and I could actually get in trouble- stupid, gullible dad haha. My sister and I went conker hunting for a couple hours, making sure we picked the best ones. Then we washed them in a bowl of water to the get the dirt off, then moved them along to the drying station where we dried them and gave them a bit of a polish. Then we would deliver them to our dad in batches of 5 and he would punch the holes. One of us would collect them, bring them back to the step and soak them in the vinegar. Then we would let them dry off while we cut the string to the appropriate lengths and finally we would tie the knots, slip the conker on and voila! The perfect conker for battle.

The conkers were an absolute success and even though the teachers confiscated a couple and would constantly get the head teacher to have assemblies about the issue, I was never detected as the culprit and I made about £15 in total! It was short lived like most of the crazes at our primary school and I knew when to cut my loses. It was always done a lot more for fun rather than the profit and I really enjoyed the whole process of it. The fact that it was undercover and forbidden made it even better, as I've always loved danger and being a little bit naughty. This was only the start of my playground black market days!

Stay tuned for the riveting round 2 edition of my selling scandals. 


- I really just needed to release some thoughts and write something. I wrote this at 3am and I didn't proof read or edit it so there may be a few mistakes. I hope you enjoyed it and it would mean the world if you could share this post, or maybe even follow or bookmark my blog. Thanks for reading.x-

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Urban Decay NAKED Smoky

Hey guys!

Long time no blog and I am super excited to be back, writing on here!
So I'm going to skip the re-introductions and what not and get straight to the point here: The new NAKED palette!

Now normally when Urban Decay would release a new palette in the Naked range, I would be jumping off the ceiling, bouncing off the walls and doing naked backflips off bridges. What a terrible image!  But this time it's different.

Granted, when I first saw the sneak peak pictures, I was excited as Larry! I thought YES! This is all my dreams come true, my prayers have been answered and there is justice in the world...then I saw it in person!

Now, there is nothing particularly wrong with the palette itself and despite my first thoughts of a smokey palette not making sense in a range designed for natural eyeshadows, I like the idea of it.
Some people (myself kind of included) may argue the fact that the whole reason Urban Decay bought out the naked line, was to have a range of eyeshadows in a palette that you could use for more neutral looks. Naked=less dramatic, right!? 
I don't think there is anything wrong with adding a smokey palette to this range, as let's be honest guys, the Naked line is rapidly running out of ideas. Surely the idea to put in a smokey range would get rid of the idea that all the palettes are too similiar? Wrong! 

The problem I have with this palette overall is the fact that the colours are very similar to previous palettes and just not new or exciting enough to warrant buying! It makes me sad because I would have loved to of been excited for this palette, considering the majority of my makeup looks are darker, smokier and more intense. I just feel that the wrong colours were selected for a smokey palette. People that regularly do smokey eyes need something with a bit more wow factor when it comes to palettes, as to be honest most smokey colours are pretty straight forward. There are only so many blacks you need!

I haven't bought the palette itself so I can't post any pictures other than general ones from the internet. Nor can I give a proper review of the quality of the palette or how well they all work. I am going to give a little run through of the colours and my overall thoughts though. 


The packaging is gorgeous! It really is! They've stuck to the usual "tin" type concept that the Naked 2 and 3 used but it's magnetic now so has that Naked 1 spice to it. In fact the whole palette looks rather Naked original like. The bottom is somewhat see through and it just has a cool look to it.  It suits the fact it's the smoky palette and has some serious wow factor. It's the sort of palette you would be proud to have out on display on your vanity. 


The palette has 3 different types of shades! Shimmer, satin(ish) and matte. This bothers me. I personally like a palette to have ONE predominant style of shadow with the occasional shade thrown in there. I prefer mattes anyway, but especially with a smokey eye! I think if you are doing a smokey eye you should NEVER use dark shimmers! They crease a lot easier and are harder to use!

You start off with the first 3 colours. These are (for me, personally) the shades I would start off with in the crease. The building block shades. All the colours in this palette are pretty cool tone, which can work well for a more autumn/wintery smokey look, but I would have liked a few more warmer tones in there.  
The first shade is High. It's a shimmer and a pinky, beigey shade. Nothing particularly standout and reminds me of something that would fit in well (moderated version of shades) in the Naked 3. 

Second shade is DirtySweet, it's another shimmer and it's a faded gold. I really like this colour but it doesn't really stand out for me and I'm not sure if I would included it in this kind of palette. I don't think it's a classic, all over the lid colour for a traditional smokey eye and it wouldn't work in the crease. 

The third shade is Radar. Radar is another shimmer and it's a strange, shimmery brown. Again, I'm not sure where I would use this is a smokey eye and it would probably end up being one of the shades I didn't really use. It is a pretty colour though! 

The next section goes into, what I would call, the true smokey stage. Now when I think of a typical smokey eye, I think of three looks. 1. The white/light colour all over the lid and dark colours in the crease and outer V. 2. The same as 1 but with a grey or blueish tone over the lid. 3. The intense, heavy, dark all over. That was a bad roundup but I know what I'm thinking haha. Basically to me this section is the one that represents that traditional smokey eye shades list. 

This section starts at Armour and ends at Smolder. Armour, Slanted, Dagger, Black Market, Smolder.

Armour is another weird shade for me. It's a shimmer and to me a grey mixed with a brown. I'm not even sure how to describe this shade. I like to look at it but I feel it would be hard to use and incorporate into a day to day smokey eye. If Radar and Slanted had a baby, it would be Armour.

Slanted is the fifth shade in the palette and it's a satin. To me it's still pretty shimmery but I could work a lot better with this one! It's a nice cool tone grey mixed with a dark silver. It reminds me of a darker version of Verve from Naked 2, which is my favourite shade from that palette! I like this oe and I could imagine using it a lot.

Dagger is a really nice Satin shade. I can imagine it would come out a lot lighter than it looks in the pan but I really like it. It's a charcoal/gray sort of colour. Pretty standard and nothing particularly special.

Black Market is a recycled satin, originally found in the Vice original palette. It's a satin black (ish) colour and it's not the kind of black that you would use for a really intense look, but it looks like it would blend easily and be used for a more subtle smoke rather than a deep, dark, cut crease. 

Smolder is the 8th shade in the palette and it's the only really stand out colourful shade. This is a muted satin purple /eggplant type shade. It looks beautiful and would be good to create something different and play around with. 

The last 4 shades are matte. Password, Whiskey, Combust and finally Thirteen.

The 9th colour in the palette is Password. This is quite possibly my favourite shade in this palette. It's basic but it's a nice cool toned dark grey, with some brownish highlights. 

Whiskey is number 10 and its a pretty basic brown. It's very chocolate and looks useful though I'm not sure it's anything new or special. 

Combust is so beautiful! It's a pink/beige beautiful shade. It's the shade I would start the crease with and use to transition! It looks useable and has a nice tone to it. 

The last colour is Thirteen, which is the typical, token highlight/inner corner shade. It's basic but it's an off white and I think it would be a good highlight shade for a darker smokey eye , as it looks a lot  more natural in contrast than a white or shimmery white.

The more I look at it and watch tutorials/videos about it, the more I like it. However, I do think it's a palette that I don't particularly need. I already own Naked 1,2, 3 and basics plus the UD Smoked palette and the majority of my MAC shades are darker or suitable smokey eye colours. I wasn't particularly wowed by it and I feel like for something that could have been really different to the other naked palettes, it didn't really live up to its potential unfortunately. I still think it's a  nice palette and will most likely buy one when I have some spare cash, but it's not a definite run out and buy it, must own kind of thing. I think to be honest, most makeup fans will end up buying this as part of the collection, rather than because they want the actual palette. I have a feeling it will sit in my palette draw and not be used as much and I'm just not excited enough about it, but I will give in eventually I'm sure of that!

I also haven't seen much hype about it so maybe it's not that popular? Anyway, let me know what you think of the colours and palette itself! 
Have you bought it? Are you disappointed? 

Thanks so much for reading and hope to hear from you soon.



Monday, 9 June 2014

Gold Smoke Makeup Step by Step!

Hey guys!

So a couple days ago I posted a few pics from a little practice photoshoot I did! I used this makeup look and really liked the way it turned out so thought I would use this makeup as my MOTD post today!

I didn't just want to write down the items I used, but I also wanted to kind of give a little tutorial!

I'm going to write out a few brief steps so you can recreate this look!


Step 1: I always start with the eyes if I am doing a smokey eye and/or using colour because fallout is a gurantee! First you should use a long lasting primer to keep it lasting. Apply all over the lid and up to the brow, blend with your fingers. Then use a sticky base such as a paint pot. I used MAC paint pot in Painterly and as primer I used Urban Decay Primer Potion.

Step 2: Take your favourite crease brush and a completely CLEAN blending brush. I used Sigma brushes for this. The fluffy blending brush (don't know the number) and the Sigma Concealer F70 brush as my crease brush. I'm using the Naked 3 Palette. Start with your under brow highlight. Depending on how much of a highlight you like and how far in you like it, use any brush you like to apply Strange to under the brow bone. Start in the crease and right from the inner corner to the outer V put Nooner. Then on top of that put a little bit of Factory. Start from the middle of the crease and move to the outer, bring a little bit down into the outer V. Blend with your clean brush. Then take Darkside and put that on the outer V take it right into the lash line on the outer 3/4 and blend with your clean brush. Take a tiny bit of Blackheart and go over that, but pat because it is quite a dark colour! Then take your lid shade Trick and put it all over the lid but not into the crease, pack on the colour until it is very intense. Don't blend just yet. Take a clean crease brush (NOT your blending brush) and with a light hand use Mugshot to blend out ALL the colours! Then go back over the outer V with Darkside and Blackheart to intensify and just blend where you think needs to be blended.

Step 3: Apply top eyeliner. Use any type of eyeliner that you are comfortable using! I use a fine tip pen liner by Rimmel. It's the Scandal Eyes one. Make sure your eyeliner is very black and apply a thin-ish line of it from the inner to the outer. You can do a flick or a cat eye if you like but I don't because I don't like the way it looks on my eyeshape. It doesn't have to be perfect because we're putting quite big lashes on top anyway.

Step 4: Apply a very small amount of mascara on the top lashes and some on the bottom. Take a pencil liner brush, I used the Sigma pencil brush and take the Blackheart colour from the palette and sweep it under the waterline NOT on to about the middle right to the outer part of the eye so it connects with the darker colour on the top of the lid. 

Step 5: Line the waterline with a dark intense black. 

Step 6: Apply eyelashes (do this after you've completely finished though).


Step 1: Apply Moisturizer and face primer. I used Nivea Daily Moisturizer. And Dior Skinflash Primer.

Step 2:  Apply Concealer and foundation. I used the Dior Skin Nude concealer and foundation. In shades 001 and 100. 

Step 3: Apply bronzer as contour. Under the cheekbones, on the temples and under the chin. You can do it down the nose also but I don't because I don't like the way it looks. I used the Bourjous Chocolate Bronzer.

Step 4: Apply a blush to the apples of the cheeks and blend outwards to just above the contour part.
I used MAC mineralize blush in Dainty.

Step 5: Apply a highlight shade under the eye in a diagonal line. This sounds a lot more complicated then it is. Blend it into the blush and contour if you used a bit too much and blend the 3 colours together slightly. I used ELF studio blush, the complete white one (don't remember the name.)


Step 1: Lightly pat your lipstick colour of choice over your lips until satisfied with the intensity. Use more if you want a stronger colour or use less if you want a thinner layer. I used MAC Snob.

Step 2: Put a thin layer of lipgloss over the top. Rub your lips together. I used the YSL lipstain in 18.

And there you go! 
That's the end result. Literally just play around with different colours and shades and just have fun with it!


Saturday, 7 June 2014

Tainted Love.

As I have been wanting to get a little bit more into alternative style modelling, but haven't been in front of a camera for an extremely long time, my aspiring photographer friend was nice enough to give up some of his time to take some photos for me to possibly use in my new portfolio!

So here is a quick look at some of them!

They pretty basic before and would took them at about 1 in the morning so the lighting was horrendous! That's why I put an effect/filter on them to just lighten them up and make the colourings look a little bit better!
I literally just put a filter on and didn't do any other retouching at all!

I really like the way they came out!

What I'm Wearing/Makeup:
Makeup- Face: Nivea Daily Moisturizer, Dior Skinflash Primer, Dior Forever Foundation, Dior Nude Concealer( not sure the exact type, but it's from the nude range) Bourjous Chocolate Bronzer, MAC Dainty, MAC Marilyn Beauty Powder (LE, can't remember the name of the top of my head and it was a limited edition one anyway that's no longer available).
Eyes: Urban Decay Primer Potion, MAC Painterly Paint Pot, Urban Decay Naked 3 Palette (post on this look coming soon!) Rimmel Scandal Eyes Liquid Eyeliner Pen, Essence 2 in 1 Mascara (both ends), Loreal Paris Volume Million Lashes Mascara. Urban Decay "Blackout" Eyeshadow from The Smokey Palette. Miss Adoro Eyelashes in 100.
Lips: MAC Snob patted on very lightly, YSL LipStain 16?

Clothes- Lingerie Bra - Matalan
Heartbreaker Vest- New Look
Blazer- Charity Shop
Jeggings- Pink Clove.

I've lost 30lbs in the last month and a half and theses are the results so far! I'm pretty pleased to be honest! Check out and follow my weightloss blog !
Thanks for reading and I hope that you really liked these pics?
My new blog schedule starts on monday, links will be below.
Thanks for reading!


Instagram: xfatshionx

bnm xo

Wednesday, 4 June 2014

Blog revamp/relaunch! (Important info!)

Hey darlings!

So basically I am going to completely revamp and relaunch this blog. I have quite a few various projects going on and this is definitely going to be one of them from now on! 

This is will be my FASHION,  BEAUTY and LIFESTYLE blog from now on.

It will include the obvious fashion and beauty posts but it will also have lifestyle posts too. These will range from a variety of things. From personal posts, to home decor ideas, to inspirational things. Basically it will be anything I want to blog about that doesn't fit into a category catered for on one of my other blogs!

That will remain on here:


Posts will be at least three times a week and will be on either a Monday, Wednesday or Friday.

The schedule will be:
Makeup Monday (Beauty Post)
Fashion Friday (Fashion Post)
Whatever Wednesday (Lifestyle Post)

There may be more things posted a week but WILL NOT be less!

* * *

I have made a WEIGHT LOSS blog solely for my weight loss, health and fitness journey.
I also have a weight loss Youtube channel now.
This will not be a scheduled blog but will be updated extremely regularly. Most likely something will be posted whether it be a short update or a in depth post. 
There will however be at LEAST one post a week which will always be on a Tuesday and will always be a progress report/weigh in/update!

They can be viewed here:

I will be updating regularly about my progress on that matter and many other personal things on my Twitter and Instagram. 

They can be found here:

Instagram: xfatshionx

* * *

I have also made a music blog where I will be reviewing and posting about music. Mainly Metal and things along those lines but I'll probably mention music in my lifestyle posts on Wednesday on this blog!
I don't know how often I will keep up to date on this website but will most likely post something on a Saturday and probably also a Tuesday. But no promises as that's more of just a side thing for documenting my music reviews and stuff.
If you're interested in checking this one out, please follow this link:

Finally, I have a fashion and beauty Youtube Channel.
I'm going to try and upload at LEAST once a week and that will probably be on a Sunday, though again I am not too sure. This will be where I post all of my hauls, OOTDs or lookbooks and where I do my more personal videos. If you would like to check that out and subscribe that would be amazing!

And finally I have a new email address that you can contact me on if you have any questions, feedback, need advice or just want to chat.

It is:

witheringshadowsblogging (at) outlook (dot) com

I hope this helps you get to know where all my other blogs and sites are and I hope you check out and maybe follow/subscribe to the sites you would like to see content from me on or that you are interested in?

I love chatting to people and making new friends and I also like to give advice so if you would like to maybe follow me on twitter and have a chat that would be awesome! If it would be a long conversation then emailing me would be awesome!

Thanks for your patience while I plugged all that lot! Hahaha!

- This blog will not be active until I have revamped it and then it will launch again! It should only be a couple of weeks whilst I get a layout and better design sorted but in that time I will be completely active on all the other sites mentioned above and will update on twitter a lot. 

Please keep checking back and please follow me or subscribe to me on my other outlets. I do try and put a lot of time and effort into my blogging and videos and love getting feedback. I also like constructive criticism and things I can improve on so I would love some ideas on that. Also if you have any suggestions for types of posts I could do/that you enjoy. 

Thanks for reading and hope to see a few more youtube subscribers, twitter and instagram followers and followers on my other blogs ;) lol.


Sunday, 3 November 2013

Where Have I Been + Updates!

Hey beautiful creatures!
How are you all doing?

So I am aware that I have been away for such a long time and this one is mainly for my followers. First of all THANK YOU for following my blog and/or youtube! Sometimes I feel terrible because I feel like I am letting you all down. I want to kind of talk about a few things today.

But first where have I been? 
To be completely honest, I've just not been feeling great. I am mentally ill and quite severely depressed (which I am not using as an excuse) but sometimes I just don't want to put myself out there and interact. I have been having a difficult time with life at the moment! I don't want to be a debby downer but it's true and one of the main things I pride myself on is being open and honest. I'm not going to go too much into it but it stops me from doing a lot of things in real life and also online. Sometimes I think I can kind of be someone else online because no one knows me but I'm kind of sick of not being ME! 

Which brings me onto the point:
I hate the clothes/style I have! 
This might sound really stupid as I have a fashion blog, but honestly... I HATE "MY" STYLE!
Main reason being because it really isn't my style. It's not how I want to express myself, it's just my defense mechanism. I am actually a lot more "Alt" in real life. I tend to only really wear black and my style is and always has definitely been a bit different. Now I'm not saying I look completely goth or scene or emo or alternative or whatever sterotypical label normal people would give me, but I definitely dress differently from most of the people I know and my friends.
But I always cover it up on the internet and even in some extent on the internet. I don't know why and it actually really upsets me thinking I felt the need I HAVE to not express myself and dress the way I WANT to dress!
I really want to start dressing how I want to dress and I don't even give a shit anymore if I look weird. I've already started aiming my style a little bit more towards what I want it to be with my makeup and hair. But I've always warn reasonably dark makeup. I dyed my hair to be "different" but also to be happy. You see I am a very confused individual and after years of social anxiety and not fitting in (when I looked quote on quote "normal") I put my walls up. I dumbed down my identity and I sacrificed my self expression to fit in. But it never even worked. I wasn't anymore excepted and I just felt like a complete and utter sell out. 
I'm not saying I'm going to switch completely overnight and next time you see me I'll be in all black and have a shit load of piercings (though I do have a new tattoo and am planning my half sleeves! WAY more of a tattoo person that a piercing person!) and look completely different. Because it doesn't work that way. I'm not a poser or a wannabe, well in some respects I guess I am. But I just want to dress the way I want to dress. I  have no friends. At all! So it's not like I'm going to start dressing/looking this way to fit in with a certain scene or group of people. NO. I'm doing this for me. 
I'm sick and tired of trying to cover up who I am and who I want to be. If I want to wear all black, heavy makeup, backcombed hair and have tattoos, I will do that! I don't really care what people have to say to be honest and I don't care about being sterotyped. 

To be honest I just want to delete my old youtube and start again because I know this will probably start shit but I don't really care too much. That being said, even though I don't care if it starts shit (because I don't actually care about irrelivant people's opinions anymore) I just can't be bothered to DEAL with the shit. There is definitely a difference. I started this blog and my youtube to express myself but by being careful and even I guess FAKE I just am defeating the object of why I started it.


I got a new tattoo on my arm. Go to my instagram @trisexplicit to see it!
I'm planning to get both my inner forearms ( I think that's the area LOL) completely done and have someone VERY special (HOPEFULLY) designing my tattoo design! EEEK!
I'm learning how to metalcore scream, growl and yell. (Wanted to do this forever!)
I'm start a solo metal project called Tris Explicit. 
I'm thinking of getting a lip piercing.
I am now 19!
I had a great birthday!
I *MAY* be seeing someone ;) 

And yes I can't really think of anything else to be honest. Apart from the fact that I am a lot happier with myself and my life than I have been for a while.

Hope this wasn't too boring. And here is the pic of what my hair was supposed to look like/did look like originally: 

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Yankee Candle Haul!

Hey all!
Sorry I haven't been updating as much as I maybe should have! I've been very emotionally ill the last couple days and to be honest the last thing I wanted to do was dress up and take pictures so I was a little low on content!

Anyway, I went to my local garden centre specifically to buy some Yankee Candle products. I went mainly for some tealights for my tart burner and I came away with a few bargains.

First off, the tealights were on sale along with a selection of wax tarts (I only got one of the on sale wax tarts) so I took advantage and bought two packs.

They were £4.99 each and considering that you get 12 delicious smelling, rather decent-sized tealights, I would say they were a steal! I got Camomile Tea and Red Velvet. Red Velvet, of course, smells absolutely delightful and Camomile Tea smells alright. I wasn't too keen on the tea one just because it is a bit of a bizarre smell. NOTE: I've never actually drank, nor smelt, Camomile Tea in my life!

I got an array of wax tarts next. First was November Rain which smells really zingy and fresh. I'm excited to burn this one, but feel obliged to wait until November!

Blissful Autumn is gorgeous and has a real "fall" scent to it. Definitely next on my list of burns. 

River Valley was the only tart on sale at 89p. I think they are normally around £1.25 a tart but I can't really remember in all honesty. It smells nice and that's about all I can say about this one.

This is amazing apart from one thing: it smells like cupcake instead of cookie. But it's still very pleasant on the nose nonetheless. And it's pretty looking! SnowFlake Cookie!

Season Of Peace was my shock of the day, it smells amazing! I thought it would be bland and horrible but it smells so good! In fact, it was my favourite purchase of the day and probably my new fave scent by Yankee Candle. May just have to stock up before the spring!

So I hope you enjoyed this post.
Sorry about not doing more, I have been ill though and not just skiving! ;)

LINKS: twitter
Instagram: bridgeexplicit

When Shadows Remain
Bridget Nicole